How to Support Someone After a Domestic Violence Death

What Not to Say

Before anything else, here's what to avoid — because the wrong words cause real harm, even when the intention is compassion.

"Why didn't she just leave?" This question implies the victim is partially responsible for their own murder. Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship — the perpetrator, not the victim, chose to kill. Never ask this, and gently redirect anyone who does.

"Everything happens for a reason." There is no acceptable reason for someone to be murdered by their partner. This phrase minimizes the violence and the grief.

"At least the children are safe now." The children may have lost both parents as caregivers — one to death, one to incarceration or absence. Nothing about their situation is "at least."

"I knew something was wrong." Unless you actually intervened when the abuse was happening, this statement only adds to the guilt the family already feels. It reframes their loved one's murder as a known risk that nobody prevented.

"You need to stay strong." The family doesn't need to perform composure. They need to fall apart safely, with people who will hold the practical pieces while they do.

What Actually Helps

The best support after a DV homicide is specific, practical, and requires no decision-making from the grieving person.

Show up and do something concrete. Don't say "let me know if you need anything" — they won't call, because asking for help requires energy they don't have. Instead: bring a meal, take the children to school, mow the lawn, do the laundry, buy groceries from a list you've seen in their kitchen.

Handle one administrative task. The family is drowning in paperwork — insurance claims, CVC applications, custody filings, funeral arrangements, death notifications. Ask if you can take one specific task: "Can I call the utility companies and update the accounts?" or "Can I draft the email to her employer about final pay and benefits?"

Be a buffer. Offer to answer the phone, screen visitors, collect mail, or respond to texts. In the first weeks, the family is bombarded with calls from reporters, insurance adjusters, detectives, and well-meaning acquaintances. Having someone manage that flow is an enormous relief.

Respect their privacy choices. Some families want to talk about the domestic violence openly. Others want to grieve without the circumstances being the defining feature of every conversation. Follow their lead — don't push them to "speak out" or to stay quiet.

Show up again in month two, month six, month twelve. The initial wave of support fades quickly. The family's crisis doesn't. The anniversary, the criminal trial, the custody hearings — these stretch out over a year or more. A text that says "I'm thinking about you today" at month six means more than the casserole at week one.

Supporting a Coworker

The workplace dynamic adds complexity. Your coworker may need extended bereavement leave, and most company policies don't account for the drawn-out administrative, legal, and emotional demands of a DV homicide.

If you're a peer, you can advocate for flexibility: suggest to your manager that the team can cover their workload for longer than the standard three-to-five-day bereavement leave. If you're a manager, review company leave options and ask HR whether FMLA or other leave applies; eligibility depends on the employee's circumstances.

When they return, don't treat them as fragile — but don't pretend nothing happened. A brief acknowledgment ("I'm glad you're back, and I'm here if you need anything adjusted") is enough. Then follow their lead on how much they want to discuss.

Don't share their story with other colleagues without permission. The details of a DV homicide are not office conversation, and the family's privacy extends to the workplace.

What to Say When There's Nothing Right to Say

The most helpful words are usually the simplest: "I'm so sorry this happened. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."

You don't need to explain the grief, contextualize the violence, or offer solutions. Presence and consistency are what matter. Be the person who keeps showing up — not with advice, but with a willingness to sit in the pain alongside them.

If you want to do more, the After a Death from Domestic Violence toolkit was written specifically for families in this situation. Sending them a copy is a tangible way to help that doesn't require them to ask for it.