How to Tell Children Their Parent Was Killed by Their Other Parent

There's No Good Way — But There Are Less Harmful Ways

No script makes this conversation bearable. A child is about to learn that one parent is dead and the other parent is responsible. You can't soften that reality out of existence, but you can deliver it in a way that protects the child's psychological foundation as much as possible.

Child trauma researchers consistently recommend the same core principles: tell the truth at an age-appropriate level, tell them before they hear it from someone else, and do it in a safe physical environment with someone they trust.

Learning the news from other people can leave a child without a trusted adult to answer questions or offer support. When possible, tell the child before they hear about the death elsewhere.

What to Say, by Age

Ages 3–5. Young children may understand "dead" without fully understanding its permanence. Use concrete language: "Mommy's body stopped working and she died. She can't come back." Avoid metaphors like "went to sleep" or "went away" — these can create confusion and fear (will I die if I go to sleep?). You don't need to explain the how in detail. "Someone hurt Mommy very badly, and that's why she died" is enough. A common concern at this age is who will take care of them; answer that question clearly and repeatedly.

Ages 6–9. Children in this range are learning that death is permanent and may ask more pointed questions. Be honest without providing graphic details: "Your dad hurt your mom so badly that her body couldn't keep working. The police are investigating what happened." If the other parent has been arrested or is in custody, explain that accurately. Expect questions about whether the perpetrator will come to their house, whether they'll have to visit jail, and whether it was somehow their fault. Answer every question directly. "It is not your fault" may need to be said many times over weeks and months.

Ages 10–13. Preteens may learn details from peers or media quickly. Don't sanitize: "Your father killed your mother. The police are investigating what happened." If he has been arrested or is in custody, explain that accurately and avoid guessing about what happens next. A child may feel anger at the perpetrator, at the family for not preventing it, or at the victim for not leaving; listen without blaming the child for those feelings.

Ages 14–17. Teenagers need direct, adult-level honesty. They'll research the case online within hours if not minutes. Sitting them down and telling them the facts — including that you don't have all the answers yet — establishes you as a trustworthy source. Expect emotional swings between numbness, rage, and grief. Watch for isolation, substance use, and self-harm.

What to Expect Afterward

Some children who lose a parent to DV homicide experience what clinicians call childhood traumatic grief — when trauma symptoms interfere with the grieving process. A child may become focused on the frightening circumstances of the death as well as sadness and missing the parent.

Common responses by age group:

Preschoolers may regress — bed-wetting, loss of speech, clinging to the caregiver, refusal to eat, and repetitive play that reenacts themes of violence or death.

School-age children may show hypervigilance, difficulty concentrating, nightmares, stomach aches, or headaches. School performance can suffer. Some children become aggressive; others withdraw.

Teenagers may experience PTSD symptoms, depression, substance use, or suicidal thoughts. If one parent is dead and the other is imprisoned, that change can complicate the child's grief and sense of identity. Persistent rage or fantasies of revenge call for professional support.

The Loyalty Conflict

This is the most painful dynamic unique to DV homicide. The child loved both parents. Now one has killed the other, and the family is likely split: the victim's relatives express anger and hatred toward the perpetrator, while the perpetrator's relatives may minimize what happened, blame the victim, or insist the child maintain a relationship with the imprisoned parent.

The child is caught between two armies of adults who each insist they should feel one way. Don't force the child to choose sides. Don't forbid them from loving the parent who committed the murder — that love was real and existed before the crime. Let them hold both truths: they can love their parent and be horrified by what that parent did.

A trauma-informed therapist can help address both grief and trauma symptoms. General grief support may not address trauma symptoms; ask about clinicians trained in Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT), which has a strong evidence base for children with trauma-related symptoms.

Getting Professional Help

Contact the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) for referrals to trauma-trained child therapists in your area. Most victim advocacy organizations can also connect you with children's counseling services, often covered by crime victim compensation funds.

Don't wait to ask for help if the child is distressed or safety is a concern. Children who appear to be coping well in the first weeks can still benefit from an assessment; a clinician can help decide what support and timing fit.

The After a Death from Domestic Violence toolkit includes age-specific conversation scripts, a day-by-day stabilization plan for children, and a school notification template — practical tools for the adults who are holding these children together while barely holding themselves together.