How to Write a Jewish Eulogy (Hesped): Structure, Rules, and What to Say

What a Hesped Is

The Jewish eulogy is called a hesped (plural: hespedim). Unlike a secular eulogy that might celebrate a life story or entertain mourners with anecdotes, the hesped has a specific halachic purpose: to honor the deceased by truthfully articulating their spiritual character, their good deeds, and their impact on the people around them. The goal is to move mourners to genuine tears, because weeping is considered a mark of authentic honor for the departed.

The Talmud states that the soul of the deceased is present at the funeral and hears every word spoken. This belief shapes the hesped's most important rule: everything said must be true. Exaggeration and false praise are strictly forbidden, because untruth causes distress to the soul.

Who Gives the Hesped

The officiating rabbi typically delivers the primary hesped. In Orthodox settings, the rabbi knew the deceased through their communal life and can speak to their religious character, Torah study, charitable contributions, and family devotion.

Close family members — children, siblings, a spouse — may also speak. In strictly Orthodox funerals, the number of eulogies is kept small and the service remains brief (20 to 45 minutes total, including prayers). The rabbi may invite one or two family speakers, or the rabbi may incorporate their reflections into a single hesped.

In some Orthodox communities, women do not deliver eulogies at the funeral service itself, though they may speak at the shiva house during the week of mourning. This practice varies by community, and families should consult with the officiating rabbi about the specific norms of the funeral setting.

Friends, colleagues, and other community members typically share their memories during shiva visits rather than at the funeral.

What to Include

A hesped should focus on:

Character and middot (personal qualities). Describe the deceased's kindness, integrity, patience, generosity, or devotion. Be specific. "She was kind" is vague. "She drove forty minutes each week to bring meals to a homebound neighbor who had no family nearby" is a hesped.

Relationship to Torah and mitzvot. How did the person live their Jewish life? Were they diligent about Shabbat observance, committed to daily prayer, known for particular mitzvot? This does not need to be grandiose. A person who quietly gave tzedakah every Friday afternoon without recognition embodies the highest form of charity.

Family devotion. The deceased's role as a parent, spouse, sibling, or grandparent. Their sacrifices for their family, the values they transmitted, the way they held the family together during difficult times.

Impact on others. Specific moments where the deceased changed someone's life, supported someone through a crisis, or set an example that others followed.

An honest acknowledgment of loss. The hesped should make clear what the community has lost. The purpose of a eulogy is not to comfort the mourners (that is the task of the comforters during shiva) but to honor the dead by articulating the reality of the void they leave behind.

What to Avoid

Do not exaggerate. The Talmud permits only a slight embellishment: you may attribute to the deceased qualities they possessed in small measure as if they possessed them in larger measure. You may not invent virtues they did not have. A hesped that describes a difficult, complicated person as a saint does not honor them; it insults their actual life.

Do not make it about yourself. Share how the deceased affected you, but the center of the hesped is the person who died, not the person speaking.

Do not turn it into entertainment. Humor has a limited place. A warm anecdote that reveals character is appropriate. A string of jokes that gets the room laughing is not. The halachic purpose of the hesped is to provoke mourning, not amusement.

Do not reference the cause of death in graphic detail. The hesped focuses on how the person lived, not how they died.

Do not use the hesped as a platform. Political statements, organizational appeals, or extended commentary on the state of the community are out of place.

A Simple Structure

For a family member who has never given a hesped before, this structure works:

1. Open with who the deceased was to you. One sentence. "My mother, Sarah bat Yosef, was the quietest person in any room, and the one everyone turned to when things fell apart."

2. Describe one or two defining qualities. Ground each in a specific story or example. Make the listener feel the quality rather than just hear it named.

3. Speak to their Jewish life. Even a single observation — their Shabbat table, their approach to prayer, their commitment to a mitzvah — places the hesped in its proper context.

4. Acknowledge what is lost. What will the family, the community, or the world miss without this person in it?

5. Close with a prayer or blessing. "Yehi zichrah baruch" ("May her memory be a blessing") or "Tehei nishmato tzrurah b'tzror hachaim" ("May his soul be bound in the bond of eternal life").

Keep the total length brief and confirm the timing with the officiating rabbi. In an Orthodox funeral, brevity is valued over comprehensiveness.

When Eulogies Are Not Permitted

Halacha restricts or prohibits eulogies on certain dates:

• Rosh Chodesh (the new month): eulogies are generally omitted, though exceptions exist for scholars or community leaders.
• Hanukkah and Purim: eulogies are not given.
• The month of Nisan (Passover month): eulogies are avoided for most of the month.
• Fridays and the day before holidays: eulogies may be shortened or omitted to avoid delaying burial into Shabbat.

If a death falls on one of these restricted days, ask the officiating rabbi whether the hesped should be omitted or deferred to a later memorial gathering.

For complete guidance on Orthodox funeral customs, including how to coordinate with the rabbi on eulogies and what to expect at each stage of the service, see the Jewish Orthodox Funeral & Shiva Guide.