Kaeshi — Return Gifts After a Japanese Funeral

What Is Koden-Gaeshi?

Koden-gaeshi (香典返し) is the practice of returning gifts to everyone who gave koden condolence money at a Japanese funeral. It is not optional. Every koden envelope received creates a reciprocal obligation — the family must return a physical gift valued at roughly one-third to one-half of the original donation.

This system is deeply embedded in Japanese social reciprocity. Failing to send koden-gaeshi, or sending gifts that are noticeably cheap relative to the donation, damages the family's reputation in the community for years. Sending too-expensive gifts creates a different kind of discomfort — it implies the family is showing off their wealth during a period of grief.

Timing

There are two common patterns:

Sokuhen (即返) — immediate return gifts handed to each guest at the end of the funeral service. These are pre-packaged items of a standard value given to every attendee regardless of their koden amount. This approach is increasingly common in urban areas because it is logistically simpler.

Koden-gaeshi after the funeral — the traditional approach. The family calculates each return gift based on the actual koden received and mails them during the 49-day mourning transition, often accompanied by a brief thank-you card called the aisatsu-jo (挨拶状).

Many families use a hybrid: they give the standard sokuhen gift at the funeral, then send a supplementary koden-gaeshi to anyone whose koden was significantly above the standard amount.

Value Calculation

The target is one-third to one-half of the koden amount received. If someone gave ¥10,000, the return gift should be worth ¥3,000–¥5,000. For a ¥50,000 donation, the return gift should be ¥15,000–¥25,000.

For large donations, returning half the amount as a gift can be a substantial expense. A gift at the lower end of the one-third-to-one-half range can be paired with a warmer, more personal thank-you note. The gift should not look dismissively small.

What to Give

The fundamental rule: koden-gaeshi must be consumable or expendable. The gift should be something that gets used up and disappears, symbolically preventing the lingering of death within the recipient's home. Durable items — decorative objects, keepsakes, anything that sits on a shelf — carry the superstition that the grief will persist.

Common koden-gaeshi choices:

• Green tea (sencha or gyokuro sets) — the most traditional choice
• Dried seaweed (nori sets)
• Sugar and sweets — high-quality Japanese confections
• Hand towels or bath towels — these count as consumable because they wear out
• Cooking oil sets
• Soap sets
• Coffee or tea gift boxes — increasingly popular with younger families
• Catalog gifts (katalog gifuto) — the recipient chooses from a catalog, which solves the guessing problem entirely

Items to avoid: alcohol (associated with celebration), anything red or gold-packaged, branded luxury goods (too celebratory), and cash (returning cash for cash is considered insulting).

Wrapping and Presentation

Koden-gaeshi should be wrapped in subdued paper — white, gray, or muted silver. The noshi (decorative paper strip) should use a black-and-white or silver mizuhiki cord tied in a musubi-kiri (結び切り) knot — a knot that cannot be untied, signifying that this is an event that should not be repeated.

Never use the red-and-white celebratory noshi. This is one of those errors that broadcasts itself — anyone who receives a koden-gaeshi in wedding-style wrapping will notice immediately.

When You Are Overseas

Diaspora families who received koden at a funeral held in Japan face a logistics challenge: the return gifts need to reach recipients spread across Japan while the family may already be back in the United States, Canada, or Australia.

Options:

• Funeral director fulfillment — many funeral homes offer koden-gaeshi fulfillment as a service. They maintain the koden register, calculate the appropriate return value for each guest, and handle the shipping within Japan.
• Department store delivery — major Japanese department stores (Takashimaya, Mitsukoshi, Isetan) offer formal gift delivery services specifically for koden-gaeshi. You can order remotely and they will ship with appropriate wrapping and an aisatsu-jo card.
• Online catalog gift services — companies like Ringbell or Shaddy allow you to purchase and send catalog gifts electronically, with the physical catalog delivered to each recipient.

The Traditional Japanese Funeral guide includes a koden tracking register template that calculates return gift values automatically and a sample aisatsu-jo card in Japanese.