LGBTQ Funeral Planning Checklist for Chosen Family

Before You Call Anyone

The first hours after a death are chaotic, and for LGBTQ+ chosen families they carry a specific risk: losing legal control of the process to biological relatives who may not honor the person's identity. Before you start making calls, take stock of what documents exist.

Look for a signed disposition agent form (sometimes called a funeral agent designation). In most states, a properly executed form gives the named agent authority over disposition decisions and can supersede biological next-of-kin; the exact effect varies by state. If it doesn't exist, legal authority defaults to the state's next-of-kin hierarchy: spouse, then adult children, then parents, then siblings.

Also check for a will, an advance directive (which expired at the moment of death — it does not cover funeral decisions), and any written funeral instructions. Gather these before contacting a funeral home, because the funeral director will ask who has the legal right to make decisions.

Finding an Affirming Funeral Home

Not every funeral home that puts a rainbow on its website has actually trained its staff. Here's how to vet providers quickly:

Ask directly. Call and say: "We're planning a service for a [transgender/non-binary/gay/lesbian] person. Can you tell me about your experience with LGBTQ+ families?" Listen for specificity. "We've served several LGBTQ+ families and we assign a dedicated case manager to ensure names and pronouns are respected throughout" is a real answer. "We welcome everyone" is a marketing line.

Ask about body preparation. If the deceased was transgender, ask: "Our loved one was a trans [woman/man]. Can you walk me through how you'll handle grooming, dressing, and cosmetic preparation to match their lived identity?" An affirming funeral home will know exactly what you're talking about and may ask for reference photos or clothing.

Ask about staff training. "Have your embalmers, transport staff, and front-of-house team received specific training on transgender body care and pronoun usage?" The answer tells you whether the inclusivity is institution-wide or limited to whoever answers the phone.

Check affiliations. Funeral homes that have completed SAGECare training or certification may have invested in formal training, but verify their procedures directly. The Keshet directory lists LGBTQ+-affirming Jewish funeral homes. The UUA Welcoming Congregations Registry can connect you with affirming celebrants.

If the first funeral home you call doesn't pass these questions, call another. You have the legal right to use any licensed funeral home — you don't owe your business to the nearest or cheapest one.

The 48-Hour Checklist

Once you've established who holds legal authority and identified a funeral home, work through these items:

Legal and administrative:

• Present the disposition agent form to the funeral director to establish your authority
• Provide the deceased's legal documents (ID, Social Security number) for the death certificate
• If the deceased was transgender, discuss the death certificate strategy: use the legal name and other identifiers required by the jurisdiction on the certificate, but use the chosen name on public-facing materials
• Secure the deceased's residence — change locks if needed to prevent biological relatives from removing belongings
• Locate the will, insurance policies, and bank account information

Body preparation:

• Deliver reference photos showing the deceased's current appearance and style
• Bring their preferred clothing, makeup, accessories, jewelry, and any prosthetics (breast forms, binders, packers)
• Provide written grooming instructions (facial hair, hairstyle, nail polish color)
• Specify embalming preference — embalming is not legally required in most states; refrigeration is an alternative

Ceremony planning:

• Decide on service type: traditional funeral, celebration of life, private memorial, or graveside only
• Choose an officiant — avoid clergy who may refuse to use correct names/pronouns
• Select music, readings, and speakers
• Designate someone to manage the guest list if estranged biological family members may attend uninvited

After the Service

The days after the funeral bring their own tasks: filing insurance claims, closing accounts, transferring property titles, and notifying government agencies. For LGBTQ+ survivors, there's an additional concern — ensuring the obituary as published matches the approved version (some newspapers have edited submitted obituaries to remove same-sex relationship language) and that the headstone or memorial marker will use the correct name and pronouns.

For the complete planning toolkit — including fill-in templates for every document mentioned here, vetting scorecards for funeral homes, and a cost comparison worksheet — see our LGBTQ+ Funeral & Memorial Planning Guide.