Preparing a Child for a Funeral: Open Caskets, Participation, and the Funeral Buddy

Should a Child Attend the Funeral?

There is no single right answer for every child. Offer a clear choice without forcing participation.

Explain what will happen at the funeral, let the child decide whether to go, and make sure they know that either answer is fine.

What to Tell Them Before the Service

A five-to-eight-year-old thinks in concrete, literal terms. They need a walkthrough of exactly what they will see, hear, and experience — not vague reassurances. Surprises during a funeral can be genuinely frightening for a child this age.

Cover these specifics:

• Where it will happen. "We're going to a building called a funeral home. It has rooms with chairs, like a church." (Or if it's at a church, describe that.)
• What the body will look like. If it's an open casket: "[Name] will be lying in a special box called a casket. [Their] body will look like [them], but it won't move, breathe, or talk. [Their] skin might look different — a little waxy or a different color. That's because [their] body has stopped working. It's not scary — [they] can't feel anything."
• What people will do. "Grown-ups will cry. Some will hug each other. Some people will talk about [Name] — stories about things [they] did. You might see people looking sad or even laughing about a funny memory."
• How long it will last. "We'll be there for about an hour. If you need to leave before it's over, that's okay."
• What the child can do. Give them options: "You can sit with me and listen. You can draw a picture to put near [Name]. You can write a letter. Or you can just sit quietly — there's no wrong way to be there."

Handling the Open Casket

An open casket is the element that worries most caregivers, but children aged 5-8 often handle it better than adults expect — provided they know what to anticipate. The problem isn't the sight of the body; it's the shock of encountering it without warning.

If the funeral includes an open casket:

• Describe what the body will look like beforehand, using the concrete language above. Don't say "they look like they're sleeping" — this reinforces the sleep-death confusion that already plagues this age group.
• Let the child choose whether to approach. "You can walk up and look at [Name] in the casket if you want to. If you'd rather stay in your seat, that's fine too."
• Go with them. If the child wants to approach, walk up together. Hold their hand. Let them stand as long as they want.
• Prepare for questions at the casket. They may ask why the skin feels cold, why the person doesn't look exactly like they remember, or whether the person can hear them. Answer honestly and briefly: "No, [they] can't hear us. [Their] body has completely stopped working. But you can still talk to [them] if it feels good."
• Don't force a kiss or touch. Some families pressure children to kiss the forehead or touch the hand as a farewell. Let the child decide.

The Funeral Buddy

Every child at a funeral needs one dedicated adult whose only job is that child. Not the surviving parent (who is grieving and managing logistics). Not a distant relative the child barely knows. The funeral buddy is a calm, trusted adult — an uncle, a family friend, a godparent — who:

• Sits with the child during the service
• Explains what's happening in real time: "People are walking to the front to talk about [Name] now. That's called a eulogy."
• Reads the child's signals — fidgeting, teary eyes, a glazed look — and responds proactively
• Takes the child outside for a break without guilt or drama if they hit their limit
• Has car keys and can leave with the child if needed, without disrupting the service

Brief the funeral buddy in advance: tell them the language you're using with the child, what the child knows about the cause of death, and any specific anxieties the child has expressed.

Participation Options

If the child chooses to participate, simple symbolic actions can include:

• Drawing a picture for the person who died, placed in or near the casket
• Choosing a song to be played during the service
• Reading a short passage (or having the funeral buddy read it on their behalf)
• Placing an object — a favorite toy, a letter, a flower — with the person
• Lighting a candle during a memorial candle ceremony
• Keeping a duplicate. If the child places a stuffed animal in the casket, buy two identical ones beforehand — one to leave, one to keep. This avoids the devastating moment of wanting the comfort object back after it's been buried.

After the Funeral

The funeral itself often feels like an ending, but for a child, it opens a new phase of questions. They may process what they saw for days or weeks, revisiting details: "Why was everyone wearing black?" "Where did [Name]'s body go after the funeral?" "Will that happen to me?"

Answer each question directly. And know that the funeral is not the child's final reckoning with the loss — it's one stop on a much longer road.

The Talking to Young Children About Death guide includes a funeral preparation checklist, a funeral buddy briefing template, and post-funeral conversation scripts that help you navigate the questions that emerge in the days that follow.