The Elder's Role in Sorry Business: How to Approach Elders for Cultural Guidance

For younger Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people — especially those raised in urban areas or away from their community — approaching an elder to ask about Sorry Business protocols can feel intimidating. You might worry about asking the wrong question, revealing how much you do not know, or being judged for not having learned these things already.

That anxiety is common, and it is worth pushing through. Elders are the custodians of cultural law for a reason, and most welcome the chance to share knowledge with someone who is genuinely trying to do the right thing.

What Elders Do During Sorry Business

Elders hold supreme authority over traditional Law and cultural practice during Sorry Business. Their responsibilities include:

• Determining protocols: elders decide which ceremonies are performed, in what order, and who participates. These decisions are based on the deceased's community, kinship position, and the specific traditions of their nation
• Leading ceremonies: smoking ceremonies, cleansing rituals, and the singing of ancestral songlines are led by elders or cultural specialists they designate
• Guiding spiritual transition: elders ensure the deceased's spirit transitions safely into the Dreaming, which includes overseeing name avoidance, body preparation protocols, and the timing of ceremonies
• Mediating disputes: when family members disagree about burial location, ceremony format, or decision-making authority, elders serve as mediators whose judgement carries the weight of cultural law

This role is not ceremonial or advisory — it is the structural backbone of Sorry Business. Decisions about how a funeral proceeds ultimately rest with the relevant elders, even when other family members have strong preferences.

How to Approach an Elder

If you need to consult an elder about Sorry Business and you are not sure how to start, these principles apply across most Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities:

Go through the right channels. Do not approach an elder cold, especially if you do not have an existing relationship. Ask a family member who does have a relationship to make the introduction, or contact your local Aboriginal Medical Service or Land Council, which can facilitate the connection.

Be honest about what you do not know. Elders can tell when someone is pretending to know more than they do. Starting with "I want to do this properly and I need help" is more respected than faking confidence. Admitting you were raised away from community, or that your family did not pass down specific cultural knowledge, is not a source of shame — it is the reality of colonisation's impact, and elders understand that.

Listen more than you speak. The conversation should be a yarn, not a meeting with an agenda. Elders share knowledge in their own time and their own way. Silences are part of the process — do not fill them. Questions are welcome, but rushing to the next question before the elder has finished their thought shows disrespect.

Respect the answer you get. An elder may decline to share certain information because it is restricted, or because you do not have the appropriate kinship standing to receive it. Accept this without pressing. They may also give you guidance that differs from what you expected or wanted — cultural law does not bend to individual preferences.

Offer appropriately. In many communities, it is appropriate to offer an honorarium to an elder who provides cultural guidance, particularly if they are being asked to lead a ceremony or travel to a location. This is not a payment — it is a recognition of their knowledge and time. Ask a family member or community member what is customary for your situation.

When Elders Are Not Accessible

Not every family has immediate access to cultural elders. Stolen Generations members, people who were raised in foster care, or those whose communities have been dispersed may not have an established connection to an elder who knows their family's specific traditions.

In these situations:

• Your local ACCHO (Aboriginal Community Controlled Health Organisation) can often connect you with elders or cultural advisors in your area
• Link-Up services assist people who were removed from their families in reconnecting with community and Country, including during Sorry Business
• Land Councils maintain relationships with elders across their region and can facilitate introductions
• Neighbouring community elders may be willing to provide general guidance, even if they are not from your specific nation, particularly when the alternative is no cultural guidance at all

The critical point is that seeking guidance is always better than guessing. An elder from a different nation can help you ask the right questions and understand the general framework, even if the specific details differ from your family's tradition.

Documenting Elder Guidance

When an elder shares protocols and guidance, write it down — with their permission. Sorry Business knowledge that lives only in one person's memory is vulnerable to being lost, and the elder is sharing it precisely because they want it to be used properly.

Record:

• Which ceremonies should be performed and who has the authority to lead them
• Specific name avoidance requirements and the substitute terms to use
• Body preparation protocols, including any gender-specific requirements
• Burial preferences and location significance
• Kinship decision-making hierarchy — who needs to be consulted and in what order

The Aboriginal Sorry Business Guide includes structured worksheets for recording elder guidance and documenting family-specific protocols — creating a reference that the family can return to in future Sorry Business situations without having to start from scratch each time.