Sorry Business Etiquette: Dos and Don'ts for Respectful Attendance

Being invited to Sorry Business is an honour, and most people who attend for the first time are genuinely worried about getting something wrong. That anxiety is understandable — cultural protocols matter deeply here, and a well-intentioned mistake can cause real distress to a grieving family.

The good news is that the core expectation is simple: be present, be quiet, and follow the family's lead. The specifics below cover the most common areas where visitors feel uncertain.

What to Wear

Default to modest, conservative clothing in dark neutral tones — black, charcoal, navy, or grey. Shoulders, chest, and knees should be fully covered. Closed-toe shoes or flat dress shoes are preferred over sandals or thongs, though coastal or on-Country services may be more relaxed about footwear.

The exception: some families issue a public request through the funeral notice for attendees to wear a specific colour, sports jersey, or bright clothing to celebrate the deceased's personality. If the notice says "wear red" or "wear their favourite team's colours," follow that instruction exactly. It is the family's choice and honouring it shows respect.

Avoid loud graphics, tight-fitting clothes, excessive jewellery, or anything that draws attention to yourself. This is not your occasion to be noticed.

What to Bring

Bringing practical contributions is always welcome. Food — home-cooked meals, fruit, bread, or drinks — is the most universally appreciated gift. Families hosting Sorry Business feed dozens or hundreds of people over multiple days, and the financial and logistical strain is enormous.

Other practical contributions:

• Fuel cards or cash for transport — relatives travel vast distances, and fuel costs are one of the largest Sorry Business expenses
• Blankets, pillows, or swags — mourners often camp at the Sorry Camp for days
• Nappies, formula, or supplies for children — children attend as part of the community

Do not bring flowers unless you know the family wants them. Some communities use traditional items and native plants rather than commercial florist arrangements.

How to Greet the Family

In many Aboriginal communities, direct prolonged eye contact is considered confrontational, particularly during grief. The most culturally appropriate way to express condolences is a soft, quiet handshake while looking slightly downward, without speaking. Let the family member set the tone — if they want to talk, they will. If they do not, your silent presence is enough.

Do not approach the immediate family with long speeches, questions about what happened, or commentary about how the deceased looked. Simple, brief words — "I'm sorry for your loss" — spoken softly and only if the moment is right, are sufficient.

What to Avoid

These are the areas where well-meaning visitors cause the most harm:

Photography and recording: taking photos, videos, or audio at any part of Sorry Business is strictly prohibited unless you have explicit permission from the senior family elders or the designated family spokesperson, including the Mari Gedth where that role applies. This includes casual phone snaps. Switch your phone completely off — not silent, off — before entering any mourning area.

Social media: never post photos of the deceased, the grave, the ceremony, or details of the death online. It is the family's sole right to decide if and how digital memorials are shared.

Asking too many questions: resist the urge to ask about specific cultural practices, why things are done a certain way, or what different elements of the ceremony mean. Observe quietly. If the family offers explanations, receive them gratefully.

Seating placement: front rows at any service are reserved for immediate family, elders, and those with ceremonial roles. Find a space toward the middle or back without being directed. If someone asks you to move, move without discussion.

Interfering with grief: expressions of grief at Sorry Business can be physically intense — loud wailing, collapsing, extended periods of deep emotion. Do not try to comfort, quieten, or restrain someone who is grieving. These expressions are culturally appropriate and serve an important function. Maintain a quiet, supportive presence at a respectful distance.

When You Are Not Sure

The simplest rule for any uncertain situation: watch what the family does and follow their lead. If you are unsure whether to attend at all, ask through the appropriate channel — the Mari Gedth where that role applies in Western Torres Strait Island families, or a family spokesperson for other communities. An invitation may not be automatic, and asking respectfully is always better than assuming.

The Aboriginal Sorry Business Guide includes a printable attendee etiquette reference that covers these protocols in a format you can review before attending, so you can be fully present for the family instead of worrying about what comes next.