Telling Family About a Homicide: What to Say and How to Say It

There Is No Right Way to Say It

No combination of words makes this bearable. You're about to tell someone that a person they love was murdered, and nothing you say will soften that. Accepting this in advance takes some of the pressure off finding the "right" words — because the right words don't exist. What matters is being direct, being present, and being honest.

Tell People in Person When Possible

Death notifications should happen face to face whenever feasible. This is how law enforcement does it, and for good reason: the person receiving the news may collapse, become incoherent, or need immediate physical support.

If you can't be there in person, a phone call is next. Not a text. Not a voicemail. Not a social media message. Those formats force someone to absorb the worst news of their life alone, staring at a screen, with no one to hold them together.

The one exception: if the person lives far away and there's no one local who can deliver the news in person, a phone call with a plan is the best option. "I need to tell you something very difficult. Is someone with you, or can you call someone to be with you right now?"

Who to Tell First

Work outward from the center:

1. Immediate family — spouse or partner, parents, children, siblings of the deceased
2. The deceased's closest friends — people who would be devastated to learn from a news report or social media
3. Extended family — grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins
4. Employers, landlords, and institutional contacts — these can wait hours or days

After the first few notifications, set up a phone chain. Ask each person you call to notify two or three others. You physically cannot make 30 calls in the state you're in, and you shouldn't try.

What to Actually Say

Be direct. Use the word "killed" or "murdered." Don't use euphemisms.

For the first call: "I need to tell you something terrible. [Name] was killed [last night / this morning / today]. The police are investigating. I don't have many details yet, but I wanted you to hear it from me."

When they ask questions you can't answer: "I don't know the details yet. The police are still investigating. I'll share what I can when I know more."

When they want to come over immediately: "Yes, please come" or "We're not ready for visitors yet — I'll call you when we are. The best thing you can do right now is [specific task: pick up groceries, watch the dog, call Aunt Linda]."

For the phone chain message — what you ask others to relay: Keep it to the essential facts. "[Name] was killed. The family is asking for privacy right now. If you want to help, please [specific request: send food, donate to a fund, hold off on calling]."

What Not to Say

• Don't speculate about the perpetrator, the motive, or the circumstances. You likely don't have confirmed information, and speculation spreads. Stick to what the police have told you.
• Don't share graphic details. "They were killed" is sufficient. No one needs a description of the injuries to understand the magnitude of what happened.
• Don't ask people to keep it secret. It won't stay secret. Asking for confidentiality about a murder creates confusion and resentment when the news inevitably spreads.
• Don't announce it on social media before the inner circle knows. The fastest way to cause secondary harm is for a sibling to find out their brother was murdered from a Facebook post.

Managing the Incoming Flood

Once the news spreads, your phone will not stop. Calls, texts, messages — a relentless wave of people expressing shock, asking questions, and wanting to help. You cannot manage this alone.

This is where a designated communication liaison becomes essential. One person — not the person closest to the victim — who fields all incoming contact, compiles a list of people who've called, and sends a standard update message on behalf of the family.

A template update message for the liaison to send: "Thank you for reaching out about [Name]. The family is processing this devastating news and asking for privacy at this time. We'll share information about services when plans are finalized. If you'd like to help, [specific request]."

This single message, sent to everyone who contacts the family, prevents you from having the same agonizing conversation dozens of times while you're barely functioning.

If you need structured support for managing death notifications and the communication flood that follows a homicide, our After a Homicide guide includes ready-to-use communication scripts and a family role assignment worksheet for designating a communications manager from day one.