Flowers, Condolence Cards, and Gifts at a Tangihanga

The Flower Question

At a standard Western funeral, flowers are the default gesture of sympathy. At a tangihanga, the picture is different. Large floral tributes are less common and not the primary way to show support. Wreaths of green kawakawa leaves — parekawakawa — are worn on the heads of the whānau pani and female elders. The kawakawa plant is deeply associated with rongoā (traditional healing) and mourning. Beyond that, the marae ātea and wharenui are typically adorned with native ferns and foliage rather than commercial bouquets.

If you want to bring flowers, a modest arrangement is fine. Nobody will turn you away at the gate for carrying a bouquet. But know that it is not the expected gesture, and it will not carry the same significance as what Māori culture considers the primary form of support: koha.

Koha Is the Gift That Matters

The tangihanga is a multi-day event that costs the whānau pani thousands of dollars in marae hire, catering, transport, and burial fees. Koha — a monetary contribution placed in a sealed envelope and presented through the formal pōwhiri process — is the most practical and culturally appropriate gift you can bring.

If you are attending as part of a delegation, your group pools its koha into a single envelope. The last speaker from your group lays the envelope on the ground during the marae ātea exchange. Do not hand money directly to a family member or a marae worker — that bypasses the oratorical protocol and is considered offensive.

If you are attending individually (not as part of a delegation), approach the marae's designated coordinator or a whānau member you know personally and ask how to contribute. Some marae have a koha book or a specific person handling donations.

Te Reo Māori Condolence Phrases

If you are writing a condolence card, using even a few words of te reo Māori shows genuine respect. Some phrases appropriate for a sympathy card:

• Kia kaha — stay strong
• Me tū pakari — stand firm / be resilient
• Moe mai rā — rest in peace (farewell to the deceased)
• Haere atu rā, e te rangatira — farewell, respected one
• Kei te tangi tahi mātou me koutou — we mourn with you
• Kia tau te rangimārie — may peace settle upon you

A card written sincerely in English is also entirely appropriate. What matters is that the message acknowledges the person who has died and the grief of the whānau pani. Avoid generic Hallmark language — speak to the specific person and the specific loss.

Other Ways to Help

The most valued support at a tangihanga is often physical labour. If you are close to the family or the hapū, offering to work in the kitchen as ringawera — cooking, cleaning, setting tables, running supply errands — is one of the most meaningful things you can do. The kitchen crew feeds hundreds of visitors over several days, and extra hands are always welcome.

Other practical contributions:

• Bringing food supplies — trays of sandwiches, baking, meat, bread, milk. Coordinate with the kitchen crew first to avoid duplicates
• Helping with accommodation — some visitors travel long distances. If you can offer a bed or a floor for overnight guests who do not stay at the marae, let the family know
• Transport — driving family members between the hospital, the marae, and the urupā during the days of the tangihanga

What Not to Bring

The list is short but non-negotiable:

• No alcohol — most marae are strictly alcohol-free
• No recreational drugs — strictly prohibited on marae grounds
• No food into the wharenui — the meeting house where the tūpāpaku lies is tapu. All food belongs in the wharekai (dining hall) or outside the buildings

Our Māori Tangihanga Guide covers koha amounts, presentation protocol, and the full list of marae rules — so you can show support in the way that actually helps.