How to Sit Shiva

Shiva Begins the Moment You Return from the Cemetery

The seven-day mourning period starts as soon as the mourners arrive home from the burial. The grave must be fully filled with earth, the Mourners Kaddish recited at the graveside, and the family returned to the designated shiva house before the formal count begins.

The first thing that happens is the seudat havra'ah — the meal of condolence. This meal is prepared and served by friends, neighbors, or community members, never by the mourners themselves. Traditional foods include hard-boiled eggs (a symbol of the cycle of life), round bread or bagels, and lentils. The roundness represents mourning's lack of a clear beginning or end.

From this meal forward, you are sitting shiva.

The Physical Setup: Low Chairs, Covered Mirrors, and the Candle

Low chairs: Mourners sit on chairs, stools, or cushions that are lower than standard seating — traditionally less than 12 inches high. This physical lowering symbolizes the mourner's diminished state. Many funeral homes provide low shiva chairs on loan. Folding camping stools, floor cushions, or overturned milk crates also work. You sit on these throughout the seven days, including during meals and when receiving visitors. Visitors sit on regular-height chairs.

Covered mirrors: All mirrors in the shiva house are covered with cloth, sheets, or paper. The reasons vary across commentaries — removing vanity and self-focus during mourning, avoiding the appearance of engaging in personal grooming, and (in kabbalistic tradition) preventing the soul from being trapped in a reflected image. Whatever the underlying rationale, the practice is customary in Orthodox shiva. Cover them before the mourners return from the cemetery.

The memorial candle: A single candle (or electric equivalent) is lit and burns continuously for the full seven days. It represents the soul of the deceased, echoing the verse in Proverbs: "The soul of man is the lamp of God." If the candle goes out, relight it.

What Mourners Do (and Don't Do) During Shiva

Shiva is not simply staying home and receiving visitors. It is a structured period of withdrawal from ordinary life, governed by specific halakhic restrictions:

You do not:

• Wear leather shoes (soft slippers, canvas shoes, or socks are worn instead)
• Bathe or shower for pleasure (basic hygiene is permitted)
• Shave, cut hair, or apply cosmetics
• Wear freshly laundered clothing
• Engage in marital relations
• Conduct business or go to work
• Study Torah for enjoyment (Torah study is considered a source of joy; mourners may study texts related to mourning and loss)
• Sit on regular-height furniture
• Greet people with "Shalom" or standard social pleasantries

You do:

• Receive visitors during designated hours (usually morning and evening, often published by the family)
• Participate in daily prayer services arranged at the shiva house (these require a minyan — ten adult Jewish men)
• Recite the Mourners Kaddish at each service
• Eat meals prepared by friends and community members
• Speak about the deceased — sharing memories is encouraged and considered a comfort

Daily Prayer Services in the Shiva House

If the mourning period includes a Monday, Thursday, or Shabbat, community members organize the relevant prayer service and minyan according to local practice.

The mourner recites Kaddish at the designated points. If the mourner does not know the Kaddish by heart, a transliteration sheet is used — there is no shame in reading from a page.

On Shabbat, the mourners attend synagogue rather than holding services at home. They enter just before the service begins and leave immediately after. The congregation acknowledges them with a formal phrase of comfort as they enter.

When Shiva Is Shortened

Shiva lasts seven days, but several circumstances cut it short:

Shabbat counts as one of the seven days but is not observed publicly as mourning. On Friday afternoon, the mourners stand up from their low chairs, change into Shabbat clothing, and wear regular shoes. They eat Shabbat meals and attend synagogue. After Shabbat ends on Saturday night, shiva restrictions resume.

A Jewish holiday (Yom Tov) cancels remaining shiva days entirely. If Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Passover, or Shavuot begins during shiva, the remaining days are annulled. This can reduce shiva to as few as one hour if the death occurs immediately before a holiday.

The final day is shortened. On the seventh morning, shiva ends after the morning service. Mourners rise from their low chairs and are formally "gotten up" from shiva. The full day does not need to pass.

Rising from Shiva

On the morning of the seventh day, after Shacharit (the morning service), the mourners are symbolically walked around the block by friends or community members. This short walk represents the return to the outside world.

The mirrors are uncovered. The shiva chairs are returned. The memorial candle may have already burned out.

From this point, the mourners enter shloshim — the thirty-day period of gradually decreased mourning. They return to work and daily obligations but continue to avoid celebrations, live music, and haircuts. For those mourning a parent, the Kaddish obligation and certain restrictions continue for eleven months.

The Jewish Orthodox Funeral & Shiva Guide covers every aspect of shiva — from setting up the house before the mourners return, to the daily prayer schedule, to the transition into shloshim and beyond.