Lakota Funeral Elder Protocol: How to Request Help from Elders and Medicine Men

When a family includes traditional Lakota rites, the medicine man (Wičháša Wakȟáŋ) or recognized spiritual leader holds authority over the pipe ceremonies, smudging purifications, soul-keeping bundle creation, and final gravesite rites. Elders guide the family through protocol decisions that carry real spiritual consequences — from how the body is prepared to what happens during the four-day isolation period after burial. Approaching these leaders correctly is not just polite. It is the foundation of the traditional elements' spiritual integrity.

The Tobacco Offering: How to Make a Formal Request

Every formal request for spiritual help begins with a tobacco offering. This is not a casual gift — accepting the tobacco creates a binding spiritual agreement. The leader has committed to serve the family, and the family has committed to follow their guidance.

Prepare loose tobacco (traditionally čaŋšášá, red willow bark) wrapped in a 4-by-4-inch square of cotton cloth. Ask the family elder or spiritual leader which tobacco and cloth color are appropriate; the cloth may be red, yellow, black, or white.

Present the tobacco with your left hand extended. The left hand connects directly to the heart in Lakota teaching. State clearly what you are asking: "My father has walked on. We need your help to guide his spirit journey and lead the pipe ceremony at the gravesite."

If the elder accepts the tobacco, the agreement is made. If they decline — perhaps due to a prior commitment or a conflict that would compromise their spiritual standing — they will usually suggest another leader. Do not take a decline personally. It is a sign of integrity, not rejection.

Who to Approach and When

Contact the spiritual leader within the first hours after the death. The family spokesperson or a designated relative makes this call. If no one in the immediate family knows a medicine man personally, reach out to the tribal cultural committee, the local Lakota Studies department at a tribal college, or a reservation-based elder who can make the introduction.

For syncretic families who practice both traditional and Christian faith, you may need to coordinate two leaders: the medicine man for pipe and gravesite rites, and the parish priest or pastor for the chapel service. Contact both simultaneously and explain the dual-tradition plan.

What to Ask the Elder

Once the elder has accepted, the family should sit with them — ideally in person — to discuss the specific details of the funeral. Key questions include:

• Body preparation: Does our family tradition call for face painting with chei (red pigment)? Should the hair be tied with an eagle feather?
• Wake logistics: Should we set up a symbolic tipi structure around the casket? How many nights should the wake run?
• Pipe ceremony: Will you conduct the pipe at the gravesite? Do we need to provide the tobacco (kinnikinnik)?
• Soul-keeping bundle: Is our family keeping the soul for the full year? Who should serve as the designated Soul Keeper?
• Giveaway timing: Should the main giveaway happen at the burial feast or at the one-year Wiping of Tears?
• Band-specific customs: Our family is Oglala (or Sicangu, Hunkpapa, etc.) — are there specific variations we should observe?

That last question matters more than outsiders might expect. Lakota funeral customs vary meaningfully between bands and even between families within the same band. The elder's guidance accounts for these local variations in ways no written guide can fully capture.

Compensation and Ongoing Respect

Spiritual leaders may not set a fixed fee, but the family should ask the elder about an appropriate honorarium — a monetary gift presented respectfully after the funeral. The amount depends on community norms and the family's means. The elder will also eat with the family during the wake feasts and should be given priority seating near the casket.

The relationship does not end at the burial. If the family is keeping the soul for the year-long mourning period, ask the spiritual leader what ongoing guidance is appropriate. The family should continue to show respect through small gifts and invitations to family gatherings.

For families who want a structured framework for navigating these conversations — including checklists for what to prepare before meeting the elder and templates for the tobacco offering — the Lakota / Sioux Funeral Guide walks through the entire protocol from first contact through the Wiping of Tears.