What Not to Say in a Eulogy

The Eulogy Isn't for You

The biggest mistake people make in eulogies isn't what they say — it's who they're talking to. A eulogy should speak to the room, not perform for it. Every word should help the audience feel closer to the person who died, not showcase the speaker's relationship or opinions.

When you're drafting, test each paragraph against one question: does this help the people in the room, or does it help me? If the answer is "me," cut it.

Specific Things to Avoid

Inside jokes nobody else understands. A eulogy for a room of a hundred people that pivots on a story only two people get is a private conversation happening in public. If the joke needs explaining, it doesn't belong. The goal is recognition — every person should be nodding because they see the same person you're describing.

How they died. The audience knows. They don't need details, medical timelines, or play-by-plays of the final hours. One sentence of acknowledgment — "after a long illness," "suddenly last Tuesday" — is enough. Anything more risks becoming the thing people remember about the eulogy instead of the life you described.

Unresolved grievances. "He wasn't always the easiest person" is a sentence that does real damage in a room full of people who are already hurting. If the relationship was complicated, there are ways to honor that honestly without weaponizing a funeral. But a eulogy is not therapy, and the audience didn't consent to your processing.

Secrets. If the deceased confided something to you in private, it stays private. Death does not revoke confidentiality. This includes affairs, addictions, financial troubles, family rifts, and anything else the person chose not to share publicly while alive.

Religious claims the deceased wouldn't endorse. "She's in a better place" is a theological statement. If the deceased was an atheist, it's a theological statement they'd actively object to. If the deceased was devout, it might land. When in doubt, describe how they lived rather than where you believe they are now.

Platitudes that minimize grief. "Everything happens for a reason." "At least they didn't suffer." "They wouldn't want you to be sad." These phrases are said with good intent and received like sandpaper. They tell the mourners that their pain is wrong, which is the last thing a eulogy should do.

Comparisons. "He was the best father anyone could ask for" forces every other father in the room to measure up. "He was the father I needed" is personal and inarguable.

Self-focused stories. A story about what the deceased did for you is fine. A story about what you did for the deceased is a resume item. Keep the camera pointed at them.

The Legal Line

Under common law in the U.S., UK, Canada, and Australia, you can't defame a dead person — they have no reputation to protect after death. But if a statement about the deceased directly reflects on a living relative's reputation, that living person can bring a defamation claim. In some jurisdictions, surviving family may also have an intentional infliction of emotional distress claim for sufficiently extreme conduct; the threshold depends on local law and the facts.

Those claims are fact-specific, but potential legal exposure exists when a statement harms a living relative's reputation or meets a jurisdiction's threshold for severe emotional distress. The practical guidance is the same: don't say things that would make a reasonable person in the room feel attacked, exposed, or humiliated.

What to Say Instead

For every thing you shouldn't say, there's something you can.

• Instead of a private inside joke → a story that illustrates the same trait in a way the whole room recognizes
• Instead of how they died → how they lived, specifically in the weeks and months you knew them best
• Instead of a religious claim → "I take comfort in..." (personal) rather than "They're with God now" (declarative)
• Instead of a platitude → a specific memory that shows why the loss matters
• Instead of a grievance → "Our relationship was its own kind of complicated" followed by something genuine you're grateful for

The How to Write a Eulogy guide includes a fact-check sheet for verifying names and details, a conflict-resolution framework for navigating family dynamics around the eulogy content, and structural templates that keep you focused on the right things.