What to Say in a Eulogy When You Don't Know Where to Start

You Don't Need to Say Everything

The biggest mistake most first-time eulogy writers make is trying to cover an entire life. You cannot. A life does not fit in five minutes of spoken words. What fits is a feeling — the specific, irreducible impression this person left on the people who loved them. Your job is to find that feeling and anchor it in stories the room can see.

If you can identify two or three moments that capture who this person was, you have your eulogy. The rest is structure.

Topics That Belong in a Eulogy

Their daily habits and small rituals. The things they did every day — how they took their coffee, what they watched on television, the route they walked — are often more revealing than their greatest achievements. These are the details that make the room nod because they recognise them.

One story that shows their character. Not what they were like on their best day, but what they were like on a regular Tuesday. The person who always answered the phone, the person who always forgot their keys, the person who cut the neighbour's grass without being asked.

How they made you feel. This is the emotional centre of any eulogy. Did they make you feel safe? Believed in? Seen? Name it. That feeling is probably shared by most of the room, and naming it aloud gives everyone permission to feel it together.

Something honest. A eulogy that presents the deceased as flawless is a eulogy that rings false. You don't need to catalogue their shortcomings. A single warm acknowledgement — a recognisable quirk, a loveable stubbornness — makes the whole speech feel real.

Topics to Leave Out

How they died. The room already knows. Lingering on the cause of death, especially the medical details, shifts the focus from the life to the ending. If the death was sudden or stigmatised (suicide, addiction, accident), a brief, gentle acknowledgement is appropriate — then pivot quickly back to how they lived.

Family grievances. A funeral is not the place to settle scores, however justified. If the relationship was complicated, it is possible to be honest ("We didn't always see eye to eye") without being hurtful.

Secrets or private information. If they told you something in confidence, it dies with them. The eulogy test is simple: would the deceased want this said in front of everyone they know?

Extended quotes from the internet. A single short line from a poem or scripture can land well. Reading an entire passage you found online shifts the voice away from your own — and your voice is the reason you were asked to speak.

A Quick Framework When You're Stuck

If you have a blank page and a funeral in three days, try this:

1. Write down five memories. Don't filter. Just write whatever comes to mind when you think of them.
2. Pick the two that made you smile or cry. Those are your stories.
3. Write one sentence about who they were as a person. Not a job title — a character trait.
4. Write one sentence about what you'll miss most. Be specific.

Now you have an opening (the stronger of the two memories), a body (the other memory plus the character sentence), and a closing (what you'll miss). Read it aloud. It will be rough, but it will be real — and real is what matters at a podium.

When the Words Come Hard

Grief suppresses the prefrontal cortex — the part of your brain responsible for organising thoughts, finding words, and making decisions. This is "grief brain," and it is a documented neurobiological state, not a personal failing. If you are struggling to write, it is not because you lack the words. It is because your brain is operating under conditions that make writing harder than it would be on any normal day.

Give yourself permission to write badly. The first draft does not need to be the speech. It needs to exist.

If you want a fill-in-the-blank framework that walks you through each section — with a memory-collection worksheet, a speech-timing calculator, and a delivery-day checklist — the How to Write a Eulogy toolkit was designed specifically for people writing under grief and time pressure.